Captured in the Moment

Lessons in the Stream of Life

Tag Archives: Change


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Outside My Window

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I sit working at my kitchen counter, mulling over a pile of mail in front of me. Last weeks’ vacation is now a memory, and I’m struggling to fall in sync with everyday life. Outside, the clouds hang heavy and dark over the massive oak tree that sits in the open field across the street. They have threatened rain all day, but instead they brood overhead for a while longer.

Until a few days ago, I enjoyed watching the birds dart among the branches and listening to their songs float on the air. Today, I notice a silence. Their talk has been replaced by the dull roar of trucks dumping dirt in large, red mounds that mar the peaceful green of the clearing. The dirt is pushed around by a tractor, and the frequent dinging of the backup warning is only slightly muffled by the closed window.

The soil looks out of place like it belongs on a baseball field – rusty and heavy. Unexpected memories flood my thoughts, and I’m taken back in time to days when my sons were young and the after-school hours were consumed with baseball practices and uniforms were stained orange from heroic slides into second base or diving catches behind home plate.

For a moment, I am sad. An emptiness remains in my soul where those days of motherhood once resided. The sadness quickly passes, and a smile replaces it. The sound of boy chatter rises up in my ears, and the sweet, sweaty smell of them fills my nostrils in spite of their absence. The ghosts of a life that once was linger around me for a few brief moments, and then they dissipate into thin air.

The dinging of the tractor brings me back to the kitchen and my mail. Perhaps there will be more of those days if or when my grand kids come along. Until then, I’ll look forward to a visit with my oldest son this weekend and the adventure of a new photo expedition next month. Life is in constant motion, me with it, but oh the places a pile of red dirt can take you!


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Man’s search for meaning

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I know – I’m stealing the title of a very famous book (Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, 1946) as the header for this post, but it’s the one that fits. I haven’t yet read it to know if I’m stealing his ideas, so I’ll risk being repetitive. All I know is that we all look for it at one time or another – that sense of purpose that makes life on this Earth mean something.

I ran across a quote from an old blog post by Terri Savelle Foy today that really made me think about purpose and about how many of us may have missed the boat on our own purpose by buying into the belief that our contributions only matter if we’ve done them on a large scale – you know, been famous for saving a corner of the world in some way that makes newspaper headlines. It made me wonder how many days I’ve wasted and left no positive footprint. I asked myself a big what-if question – what if our most important purpose is in the day-in and day-out kindness we offer to loved ones and strangers?

The more I think about it, the more right that option feels, and it helps me to see how we can all have so much more influence than we are led to believe. What if we helped that frazzled mom quiet her crying baby instead of scowling at her in anger for failing to control it? What if we smiled at people and looked them in the eye, acknowledging their presence, instead of passing them by as if they are invisible? What if we held the door for the person behind us? What if we told them they had the most beautiful color of blue eyes we’d ever seen?

We don’t have to be rich or have lots of free time. We don’t have to have any extra resources except for being present and being mindful that we have a choice to be kind or a choice to be hurtful in that split second of our encounter. What if our choice to be kind changes the whole trajectory of someone else’s day? I think of the times that I’ve been the recipient of someone else’s kindness, and my heart kind of swells at the realization of how often I have the opportunity to make a difference in another person’s life with one small act, word or expression. I don’t want to waste any more days being caught up in things that won’t matter when I’m gone. I want the time I have left on Earth to count, so before I run out of it, I’m making a commitment to look up and to participate in a positive way. I get more clarity all the time – we only have one chance to make a difference in the right now. Just do it! (Yes, I’m stealing again – this time from Nike, but it fits.)

                         Your life is precious. Every single day you live is a day recorded in history never to be relived again.

Terri Savelle Foy

 

 

 


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We may never pass this way again

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Post, Texas April 16, 2016

Several years ago, I began making more road trips than I ever have – visits to my parents, moving kids to and from college, weddings, funerals, and girl trips with my friends. Most of my travel is getting to some place for a specific purpose and then turning around for home – definitely nothing to get too excited about! But this last couple of years, I’ve started to wonder more about the places I visit as well as the stops along the way. I find the lure of the billboard advertising “the best thumbprint cookies in Texas” almost too much to pass up, and I find myself veering off the highway more and more often to indulge those little wonderings.

Over time, I’ve come to appreciate taking the road less traveled when opportunity allows. My excursions tack a little extra time on to my trips, but I take a lot of pleasure in finding the occasional treasure along the brick-paved streets of long-abandoned downtowns, the beautiful detail of historic buildings, and the faded paint of advertisements on the brick walls of buildings. If I’m lucky, I find a local cafe, a bakery  or a cute little place to shop to help break up the drive. I figure I may as well see what there is to see while I’m in the neighborhood.

In the back of my mind, I hear the words to an old Seals and Crofts song, We May Never Pass This Way Again. I am reminded that life is short and that I must make a conscious choice to seek joy in each day lest I get lost in the monotony of my routines. For me, this means taking everything in and avoiding the temptation to take it all for granted as I speed through life. It means stopping to feed my curiosity on the road and at home – by seeing what is around me and enjoying something every day that I’ve never noticed before.


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Let’s get real

DSC_8312My friend, Barbie Armenta, and I have had regular discussions lately about our struggle to uncover our authentic selves from the facade that we have somehow constructed over the course of our lives. She’s recently launched a personal coaching business (you can check her out at rightcombination.net), and I’ve helped her with a project. Lucky me – I’m getting the benefit of her training in casual conversation, but it’s really made me think.

I can’t say I’ve been aware that I wasn’t being true to myself all this time. I mean there was no conscious effort to become an imposter. It was a slow and silent concession I made that was likely the result of striving to survive in a world of perceived perfection where I unwittingly tried to be who I thought I was supposed to be. Add the need to protect myself from the criticism that might come my way should I let my true self shine, and you have the perfect recipe for “posing”! True selves are quirky and prone to fall outside the mainstream and threaten a humiliating lack of “likes” on our Facebook or Instagram feeds. Keeping it between the lines and blending in is just so much easier – at least for a while.

With maturity, flying under the radar and blending in become unsatisfying and at some point feel like a flat-out lie. It’s exhausting to pretend when everything in you is busting out to just be real. It’s like wearing your Spanx too long. Sooner or later, your muffin top wants to spill over the top and gasp for breath.

So, I’m taking a stand. In 2016, I’m on a mission to get over myself and the fear of being rejected for living out loud and just being who I am. At 55, I’ve already wasted so much time, and I’m worried that it’s running out! With an average life expectancy of a little over 81 years, if I started today (and made it to 81), I would only have a little over 25 years left to pack in all the things the real me has wanted to do and be for all this time! I’d better hurry.

The decision feels like I’ve stripped down and am preparing to run through the world naked. I’m petrified, but I can hardly wait to discover what is on the other side. No doubt portions of the journey will be painful, but overall I am hoping for the liberating joy of being the person that God created me to be in the first place.

Here’s to skinned knees, bruises, and a full heart! I’ll let you know how it goes.

“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

Brene’ Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are


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You’ve Got the Talking Part Done

Pink Flamingo WMSo, with all the introspection comes the grand schemes and dreams of my “second life”.  There are so many things on the bucket list that I make myself dizzy sometimes (Pinterest doesn’t help)!  Needless to say, I need to pare down the list.  Sometimes talking it out is my best method of elimination, and often my spouse gets to be the lucky recipient of all my confusion.  He’s pretty patient; pretends he’s listening; nods in all the right places; and throws in a challenge question from time to time.  But, he is consistent in ending the conversation with words that always put things in perspective for me.  Granted, I’m frequently unappreciative of his style, but in the end, his now-familiar comments are usually a catalyst for me to move forward…”You’ve got the talking part done.”  What wife doesn’t long to hear these sweet words of encouragement?

Nevertheless, this one sentence highlights my propensity to get overwhelmed by choices and dares me to do something…anything that will move me off of dead center.  In the past, I’ve made excuses about being too busy, but that doesn’t even hold water with me anymore.  And, let’s face it, there’s a lot of fear built into the equation as well.  It’s been a while since I put myself out into the world to be judged by the opinions of others, a fate I prefer to avoid.  But, there’s no doubt that it’s time for change, and I’m overdue for a bit of toughening up!  Old dreams are resurfacing, and I’m wanting to follow their call.  It’s exciting on one hand, but mostly I’m scared out of my mind.  Still, the echo of his words niggle at my brain, and I can feel a shift taking place.  Sometimes I even hear his other words of wisdom surface…”I’m 50 now, and I don’t care.”  I’m thinking I shouldn’t either!

My spouse pushes me to be more and to be better than I am, and he always gives me permission to fly.  It’s a blessing I’ve never really appreciated or understood, but as I I feel the courage to rise toward action, I am grateful for the unconditional love and support he gives.  I’m glad to know he will be there cheering me on (and reminding me when I’m stuck) as I discover myself in this new chapter of our life where the “doing part gets done.”


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The Respite

Almost a year has passed since that March day that I began to see again.  I’ve spent a lot of time with nature, and I’ve observed the subtle change that takes place between the noticable change.  I’ve had many ah-ha moments as I’ve reflected on my place in this puzzle called life.  It’s been an interesting year of rest and rebuilding.  You don’t spend 30 years with your nose mostly to the grindstone without suffering some collateral damage.  I have minor corrections to make and old habits to leave behind.  Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t awful.  I have my redeeming traits, and I’ve had a wonderful, blessed life.  But my single biggest regret is that I could never just be in the moment and revel in the simple pleasures that life gifts us with every day.  My mind was always one step ahead and consumed with deadlines, planning, and tasks.  If I could do it all over again, that’s what I would do differently.  If I could offer one single piece of advice to anyone, that would be it. Live in the moment. Continue reading →